And with that, she laid all hope to rest
by Reijilie
Summary: A short,angsty Leah piece.


**A/N:** Someone asked me to try and explain why I loved Leah as a character & after remembering all the stuff I could relate to w/ her and just her general amazingness, this little story refused to leave me alone.

Oh, and I wanted Dezzy to get her milk ;D

* * *

This room is suffocating. More due to the company than the limited square footage. This farce of a family has been thrust upon me, and all I can do is attend these little social gatherings and smile and nod in acknowledgment when people begin telling me stories that I am not listening to.

They see it in my eyes, and yet they still try. They still attempt to connect. The rapidly fading humanity that is left in me enables this. As much as I want them to stop, the part of me that is terrified to be alone refuses to let me push them away. Instead I offer them the steely glance and hardened eyes that I always offer, in reply to their enthusiastic and sympathetic gazes. They eventually tire of me. Everyone eventually tires of me. No one more so than myself.

And it's all because of you. I wish it was something more, something larger than a lost first love. Something that was not so common, something that no one else could relate too. Yet they could. They had been there, they had moved through it. I was the one holding on to this.

To you.

I sip from the glass in my hand mindlessly. It's a prop. It makes me look human, not like the hollow shell that I am. I sip, and I watch and I try to pretend I am paying no attention. I watch your hand as it grazes lightly over hers, the fabric of her clothes, through her hair. You need to be connected to her at every moment, and when you leave her side you seem lost.

It's sickening.

But my face tells another story. My face is emotionless, unaffected. My heart though, my heart is on the floor.

The others, their imprints, their girlfriends, they're all content within their moments of happiness. Even Seth. Sweet, innocent Seth. The brother I watched stumble through every milestone in his life, has fallen under the spell of girl with a smile that speaks volumes of her youth. Innocent, naïve, yet to be tainted by the evils of the world.

It is also warm, so warm. I vaguely remember feeling that warmth. As vaguely as I remember what it feels like to smile.

She was good for him- I tried to convince myself. She made him laugh in a way that he couldn't control, a happiness that overwhelmed him to the point he would almost giggle, and turn bright red with embarrassment. And she would smile, and her hand would graze his cheek and he would look at her with those smitten eyes…and I would be jealous.

"Dezzy" he would announce. There was always a silent "My" in front of her name as he did it. He was proud of her, so proud. It was obviously a nickname but I had never thought to ask what it was shortened from. He held her in too special a place for such formalities, and he wanted the world to see their bond, in whatever way he could flaunt it. He was the same as you. Touching her at every chance he got, his face falling as if someone had taken his heart from within him, every time she left the room.

And when I looked into her smiling brown eyes, I saw it in there. His heart. Just as I saw Emily's whenever I looked into yours. Not like the deadened black pearls that starred back at me when I forced myself to take in my own reflection.

And so I sit. I sit and I frown and my body language distances me from the others, and I scoff loudly when you laugh boisterously at one of Emily's witty little remarks. And you notice, and you say nothing. You adjust your stance so I am in your peripheral, making sure your body heat is still tangled within Emily's.

I force myself to notice that we are not the only ones in the room. I cough and I sip from my drink and I make slight gestures to show I am alive as I try to tear my eyes off of you. The laughter and the sounds of life from my "brotherhood", all continue to suffocate me, and I need air. I stand and I see you turn your head towards me and stupidly I sit back down. Stupidly, I still have hope. Dangerous and immature and beneath a woman as strong as myself. I still can't help but hope. I hope that you will look at me and realise your mistake. I hope that you will pick me up and promise me the last few months were a dream, and I hope that you will look at me with my heart in your eyes as you hold me as if you can't stand to be out of my arms.

I hope behind my emotionless mask and deadened eyes as you walk towards me. We are magnets to one another. We have always been and we will always be. You walk towards me, and all I can do is hold my breath.

"What?" You demand. It's just that simple for you. One word. My answer alone could go on for hours, weeks…months. And you ask as if it is nothing. As if my answer is nothing.

Because, to you, it isn't. So I give you the answer you want. "Nothing."

It comes out sharper than I intended. My brain is protecting my heart, sharpening my words so you don't hear the quiver in my voice. I could say more, but I'm too proud. I am too proud, and- although I would never admit it- I am afraid. I can feel my hope clawing at me from inside, climbing its way through to the empty cavity that used to house my heart…but there is a coldness on my skin that is preparing me to lose her forever.

You pause, as you stare into me with an offer in your eyes. You are as tired of this as I am and you are asking me to speak up now, or to let this go. I can't. I just…I can't. My words are tangled in my throat and suddenly those clearly thought out arguments of 'us' that have plagued me every night for months, have fallen apart at their foundations, and I have gone blank.

You stare into me with an offer in your eyes, and I refuse it. I tense up, break eye contact. I stare at the ground and I shake my head slightly as my answer. From the instant you move to turn away I regret my decision.

"Fine then." You say, a hit of relief accentuating both syllables, to the point I feel it on my skin. You turn to walk back to her and I notice too late, as my mouth moves on its own.

"You were my everything."

You freeze in place, your back to me, as usual. Even when you look at me now, you are facing her with your back to me. It feels like forever as you stand in silence, your fists balling up at your sides. Slowly, you turn to me and a thousand scenarios of what you are about to say go through my head.

"I'm sorry…but, for you. I feel sorry, for you."

That wasn't one of my scenarios. My chest tightens as each breath becomes shallow, heavy. It burns its way through my mouth as my jaw has fallen open in shock. I rock my body forward, trying to push it out, as every part of me drains through my heavy limbs and sits in my feet.

"Find something else to fill your life, Leah. Get a puppy, or something. Just, stop making me feel guilty for being happy."

We remain magnets to one another, but magnets of the same charge.

You turn and you walk and I am left in this spinning room, with the eyes of those within earshot darting from me back to those who are listening to their whispers. No one comforts me. No one cares enough to do so. I have made my choices and they have chosen their sides- pushed away by my very hands.

And so I sit, in this room of laughter and love and family and friendship, and my pride refuses to allow the tears to spill. I refuse to let you see how much you have hurt me as I bury the now lifeless corpse of the hope you have just murdered. I bury her and I do not mourn for her.

I sip from the glass in my hand, and my hand shakes as my world falls apart around me.


End file.
